Support builds intimacy. Criticism destroys it. If my close friend is slightly overweight, why mention it? Do I think he is so stupid that he doesn't know he is overweight? And why is he overweight? Perhaps he seeks the pleasure of eating to escape the pain of feeling inadequate. So, if I tell him to lose weight, all I do is reinforce his feelings of inadequacy, which leads to more compulsive eating. But if I were to accept him without criticism, this would boost his confidence and reduce his need to look for pleasure in food. Also, as we grow closer, he may decide to join me at the gym for workouts, which may remove his excessive weight and give him even more confidence.
But isn't it true that at times we should speak up? Yes, if a close friend or spouse has an addiction that is destroying their life, for example, we should use full force in encouraging them to seek professional help. Too often, however, we are tempted to ask others to change when we are the ones that need changing. We need to change by growing more accepting of others. Any advice that we offer should be used very sparingly. Buddha offers some useful guidelines: "If it is NOT truthful and NOT helpful, don't say it. If it is truthful and NOT helpful, don't say it. If it is NOT truthful and helpful, don't say it. If it is truthful and helpful, WAIT for the right time." If you want to read more about true intimacy read The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved.
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